Fuck You

(A message sent to my 'brother')

"To me you are letting her down. I dont care if this sounds mean because you need to hear it. I love you Rina but you have got to tighten up and stop letting this rule your life. Because you can be stronger than this."


In case you missed what happened over the past 2 years:

I was choked into unconsciousness by someone I trusted. On more than one occasion. (That alone can cause brain damage, even death.)

I was abused, regularly, with submission holds, nerve strikes, humiliation, degradation, and psychological manipulation. For nearly six months, with the only happy breaks being the ones he allowed for as part of his twisted plan to break me down, and own me completely.

I was raped, forcefully, in the less-common-and-twice-as-painful fashion (I hope you don't need more hints than that)- without lube of course (I bled for -days- afterwards)- and then forced to suffer indignities that I can't even tell you about without making myself vomit from thinking about it... just to get him to fucking stop, because I thought I was going to -die-.

I was tied up, and held a gunpoint. For hours.

I had what I thought was a LOADED GUN... BALANCING in my mouth, while being mocked, verbally torn apart, and physically manhandled and abused. All at the same goddamn time.

He pulled the fucking trigger while the gun was in my fucking mouth.

I was raped then, too, just for good measure- and mocked relentlessly for it.

Then I finally managed to pull everything together to get out of there, and then I have to come home and watch Grandmama FUCKING WASTE AWAY over the course of a year, and then DIE.

Over the course of that year... my CONFIDANT, my best friend, my MOTHER... had to be left in the dark about all the things that had happened to me, because I couldn't tell her. I had to be fucking strong- for my friends, for my family, and for her. I couldn't talk about what had happened to me, because it didn't FUCKING MATTER because Grandmama was WASTING THE FUCK AWAY.

And you know what?
FUCK YOU, I WAS FUCKING STRONG.

I was the fucking PILLAR of strength and rationality throughout last year.
-I- was comforting -you- at that fucking morbid-ass birthday party.
Don't talk to ME about strength.
I kept my cool while the rest of my family was BREAKING DOWN.
I kept it together for Grandmama, and I never gave her ANY reason to worry about me. Not ever. I only even cried where she could see me ONCE.

Now she's gone, and you cannot POSSIBLY understand - not even a LITTLE - how I feel. Losing your grandpa when you were 6 is nothing to belittle, but it isn't the same as losing a PARENT... particularly a parent as close to me as Grandmama was.

I know you've heard all this before, in various degrees of detail, but considering all the shit you're talking about 'strength' and 'keeping it together' and 'letting Grandmama down'....

If you can read all of what I just wrote, and you still feel that I am in some way letting her down, then FUCK YOU buddy, and the HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.

Take some time to learn about grief, the grief process, and how someone actually OVERCOMES it- the symptoms of someone who's grieving, what happens to their behaviors and their emotions after losing someone in their immediate family... and look up what abuse victims go through, and RAPE victims, too, while you're at it.

DON'T JUST TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW MUCH IT HURTS YOU TO WATCH ME HURT, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT IT *MEANS* TO HURT. DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW I NEED TO JUST GET OVER IT, AND BE STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

FUCK everyone else. I'm DONE being strong for them.

And FUCK you. If that's all you have to say to me, that you think I've got to just 'tighten up'- then you can go right to hell.