Unsent Letters

I am more broken and spun out right now than I have ever been in the whole of my life. My entire existence is in shambles- from the core of who I am, to the events surrounding me in my environment. Everything is broken.

But somehow, you always manage to stand strong next to me. Even when I'm fighting desperately, trying to push you away, I feel your arms around me- supporting me, protecting me, comforting me, loving me.

I am completely worthless in every sense of the word- but for some reason, you're still here. You hate everything about this state... but you're still here. Through all of this, you apparently still find value in me, even when I can't find it myself.

You have accepted and re-defined the role of husband, even though our marriage is a sham. There were no promises of forever, no expensive ceremony, no engagement period to speak of. It was spur of the moment... we eloped on a whim- driven by our intense love for each other that had blossomed in only a few short months, and by our fear of losing one another to the shifting tides of life.

And you followed me here, leaving your home and your friends and your family... to be here, to support me and take care of me through this difficult period in my life.

Now it's fast approaching 2 years since we finally got to hug each other in that cold Connecticut airport... and you really are my husband. January, we'll have been married for 2 years... and you have done far more for me than I deserve... more than I could ever hope to repay.

I guess I'm going to have to do what my brother says. It's time to tighten up, and do what Grandmama would do- what she would advise me to do. Not for him, or for anyone else... but for you. It kills me to watch you suffer silently, because I am just incapable of offering you the same comfort you offer me. I've been so impossible... and you've been so patient.

Every day, I see my friends... miserable in their relationships, heartbroken by infidelities, trapped in the aching void of, "I just don't feel the same any more."

And every day, I ask myself, "How did I get so lucky?"

I love you, my husband, more than I think you will ever know.
But I'm going to start trying a lot harder to show you, just the same.