Help Me, Help Me, Somebody Help Me...

I'm caught between telling my grandad tonight, and getting it done and over with - but having to do it alone... or waiting until tomorrow, when my Aunt has offered to face it with me.

But the more I think about it, trying to decide when and how I want it to happen... the more I realize, I don't want it to happen at all. I have absolutely no idea what I'm supposed to say to this man who raised me. (He's my step-grandfather, but he adopted me, so he's my "father")

I can't tell him the bare and honest and entire truth- I can't even give my husband that. I barely let myself -think- about the bare, honest, entire truth. I'm not sure I can even give him what I've given my brother, and subsequently, you anonymous people out there in the world. I don't think I can tell him any of it.

But if I don't tell him, he can never understand what's really going on with me. He can't help me the way I really, desperately need him to help me.

I don't know what to tell him. I really have no idea where to even start.

"Hey uh. I know I haven't seen you in like, a month. I've been spun out. Like, bad. Uh... what do you know about the time I spent in Florida?"

"Oh really? Well. Actually, as it turns out, it was kind of the worst experience I could possibly imagine. Then you know, with the "recent loss".... So... do you want to pay for me to get therapy? Because I'm too fucked up to function?"


Oh God, I can't do this.