Spun Out in My Room, On My Own, Here We Go...

I freaked out in the grocery store. I was doing okay, a little twitchy, very nervous... but it was just me and Timah, and it was after midnight. I was heading for the soda, trying to keep my eyes on the ground- but also trying to keep my eyes on everything around me. Any number of things- the man mopping, the wet floor, the high shelves covered in food products... any of them could be a potential threat. A young man dressed alternatively in a Nirvana shirt with brooding eyes glanced at me, and I felt as if my entire soul was bare to his gaze. Every flaw and insecurity was obvious to anyone around me- my fear radiated off of me in a terrifyingly tangible way. I ducked quickly down the aisle to the Diet Coke, momentarily filled with fleeting joy at the low sales price.

I would've been okay, I think, but then my husband walked in, and I felt trapped. All the air in the entire store instantly rushed out, and I was suffocating.

I stood in the middle of that aisle, scratching my forearm over and over until the skin began to flake... staring blankly at the bright packages in front of me. I forgot how to read. The letters blurred and jumped in my vision, and I broke into a sweat. My face was flushed, my heart was pounding, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack and die, right there.

I heard his voice in my head, "Chill out!" - I felt his firm grip around my wrist, forcing me to stop clawing at my arm. I responded with panic. I ran out as quickly as I could.

I haven't quite recovered from it. I'm shaken, and confused.

Also, a friend of mine took off for St. Louis today- almost two weeks early, with little notice. He didn't say goodbye, but he did tell me he loved me when he called earlier... and you know, there's nothing quite like hearing a friend say, "Please Rina... just promise me that you'll get some professional help."

No, sir. Nothing quite like it.